“No one died of embarrassment, except for Mildred Stretch who, in 1888, upon hearing her petticoat was showing fainted dead away.” #writing #throwawayline

“He was a god unlike every other god who claimed he was the only one. He offered a service that let you compare gods online to determine which one would save you the most money.” #writing #throwawayline

“Her face was like an old road that had seen a lot of traffic.” #writing #throwawayline

“He was a farmer looking for love and all he found was a pig.” #writing #throwawayline

Overheard: “She was camel-toed…” That would be a great business in the desert. Towing with camels. #writing #throwawayline

“Don’t let them pull the wool over your eyes. Insist on statin.” #writing #throwawayline

“Prove you are worthy of my trolling.” #writing #throwawayline

“Keep shiving until they’re dead.” #writing #throwawayline

“Death Is an Uber Driver” — title. #writing #throwawayline

“If you don’t know what you want, you may as well toss a coin, assuming of course you, know what to call. If you do not know, seek help.” #writing #throwawayline

“He spoke as if the world was crashing in around him—loud and in a panic.” #writing #throwawayline

“He booked a tequila flight, but he was disappointed because it was in a bar and he never saw a plane.” #writing #throwawayline

“The cuckoos cuckooed. The warblers warbled The robins robbed.” #writing #throwawayline

“Who owns the Buffalo Ranch?” #writing #throwawayline

“I do not know which side I am buttered on.” #writing #throwawayline

“If you’re a leader, why do you follow so many people on social media?” #writing #throwawayline

“He wasn’t as educated as a neon tetra.” If you get it, you understand. #writing #throwawayline

“And a fun time was had by all. That is, except for Sam, who never had fun and always complained about the lack of marmite.” #writing #throwawayline

“Time has a way of showing up when you least need it.” #writing #throwawayline

“Being dead is, pretty much, just like life. You spend most of your time lying around all day. The one good thing is you don’t have to pay taxes while doing it.” #writing #throwawayline

“Daddy, why is the sky blue?” “Because, son, your mommy ran off with my best friend.” #writing #throwawayline

“He was a drummer waiting for his beat.” #writing #throwawayline

“Why do you save money if you never spend it? Saving for the future is OK, but you’re not going to live forever. And there isn’t any good reason to bequeath your money to your kids. They won’t account to much seeing as all they do is cry, eat, and poop their diapers.” #writing #throwawayline

“The emperor is insane and that’s what his followers want.” #writing #throwawayline

“His life was like a letter in the dead letter bin of the post office.” #writing #throwawayline